The Ocean of Grief - When Panic Makes Us Forget We Can Stand

Finding Your Footing When Grief Feels Like Drowning

There's a moment in grief when you feel like you're drowning. The waves are crashing over you, you can't catch your breath, and you're certain you're going to be pulled under forever. In that moment of panic, you forget the most important truth: you're probably not as deep as you think you are.

I often tell my clients that grief is like being in the ocean. When we're overwhelmed by a wave of emotion - triggered by a song, a smell, an anniversary - we start thrashing around, convinced we're in danger of drowning. But if we could just pause, take a breath, and reach down with our toes, we'd often discover we're only knee-deep in the water.

Sophie's Story: A Metaphor for Grief

Let me share a story about a woman named Sophie who went to the ocean seeking solace...

She was caught. The waves circled and swelled around her, pushing and pulling her in every direction. Barely able to breathe, she struggled to gasp for air before another wave knocked her under the current. No longer able to see the shore, her limbs flailing and sore from her struggle, she longed for the calm that she had moments before.

When she arrived at the shore this morning, the beach was empty, save for a few seniors with their metal detectors, the occasional jogger, and a dog walker. No one paid any mind to Sophie as she walked across the hot sand and laid her blanket, towels, and other belongings down near the water. Kicking off her flip-flops, Sophie walked to the water's edge, letting the water lick her toes, inviting her in.

Sophie waded into the water to her knees and knelt to get the rest of her body used to the coolness of the ocean. The sound of the waves was hypnotizing. Sophie lay down in the water on her back and allowed the buoyancy of the salt water to carry her. She glided up and down over the crests of the waves, hearing them crash against the shore as she drifted peacefully on her back. The sun was beating down, warming her skin, while the cool water held her tightly within.

Sophie's mind drifted to memories of conversations, music, and joy as she felt the ocean bring its safe song to her. She had been looking for solace and peace this morning and found it in the ocean's embrace and the warm touch of the sun. Fearlessly, Sophie let the ocean carry her, whisking her away on a water adventure. She had nowhere to be today and had nothing but time to relax and be one with the miracle of the ocean.

When Sophie felt she was far enough out, she rolled over, ready to swim to shore. There were no waves anymore, and no way to identify which direction to head, as she had drifted too far from the shoreline. There were no boats in sight, just her and the sea. Sophie looked to the sky for seagulls, as they were often found close to shore. She did not see anything to help her identify where to go.

Caught in an ocean that had been holding her close and keeping her safe, left her fearful and anxious now with no escape. Panic began to set in. The panic caused her to swim to the sound of the current, hoping she could ride the waves into shore.

Sophie was caught in a riptide, feeling like she would be torn into pieces. The gentle ocean is no longer welcoming but overwhelming. Sophie no longer wanted to be in this deep, unknown water; she longed for the shallows where she could safely stand and find her footing. She regretted coming her alone, seeking solace in a huge ocean destined to drown her unprepared naïve soul. She was not ready to embark on this incredible journey.

As the current pushed and pulled at Sophie, she struggled to catch her breath and hold onto the hope of reaching the shore. As her body began to tire, Sophie decided to make one last attempt and trust in the ocean. Sophie rolled onto her back and closed her eyes. The waves thrashed around her, trying to pull her down. The buoyancy kept her bobbing above, while getting the occasional gust of water across her face. The more trust Sophie put in the ocean, the more manageable her return to shore became.

Sophie opened her eyes to see the seagulls overhead. Over the whispers of the ocean, she began to hear new sounds. She rolled over onto her belly and began swimming toward the shore that she could now see.

As she rode the waves onto the shore, she found her footing. She was up to her neck in water, but able to stand again. No longer feeling out of control and afraid. Sophie felt comforted again by the safety and solace of the water.

Sophie's journey mirrors the grief experience so perfectly. She starts in the shallows - that initial peaceful acceptance of loss. The ocean holds her safely, just like we can hold our grief gently in the beginning. But then she drifts too far out, loses sight of shore, and panic sets in. This is what happens when grief overwhelms us.

The Panic Response

When Sophie realizes she's lost, she does what we all do in grief - she panics. She starts swimming frantically toward any sound, any hope of rescue. But panic in the ocean, just like panic in grief, makes everything worse. The more she fights, the more exhausted she becomes.

This is what I see with my clients all the time. A grief wave hits - maybe it's their loved one's birthday, maybe it's seeing a couple holding hands - and they start thrashing around emotionally. They fight the feeling, they try to swim away from it, they exhaust themselves trying to escape something that was never actually going to drown them.

The Moment of Surrender

Sophie's turning point comes when she stops fighting and rolls onto her back. She closes her eyes and trusts the ocean. The waves still thrash around her, but the buoyancy keeps her afloat. The more trust she puts in the ocean, the more manageable her journey becomes.

This is the profound lesson of grief: when we stop fighting our feelings and learn to float with them, they become manageable.

Finding Your Footing

When Sophie finally opens her eyes, she can see the seagulls, hear new sounds, spot the shore. She swims toward it and discovers something beautiful - she can stand. She's up to her neck in water, but she has solid ground beneath her feet.

This is what I want every grieving person to know: even when grief feels overwhelming, you're probably not as deep as you think you are. When you pause, breathe, and check for solid ground, you often discover you can stand.

The Waves Will Come

The ocean doesn't stop being the ocean just because Sophie found her footing. The waves will come again. But now she knows something crucial - she knows how to float when she needs to, and she knows how to find her footing when the waves pass.

Grief is the same. The waves will keep coming - anniversaries, triggers, unexpected moments of overwhelming sadness. But once you learn that you can survive them, that you can float through them, that you can find your footing again, they become less terrifying.

Your Ocean, Your Waves

Your grief ocean might look different than Sophie's. Your waves might be triggered by different things. Your shore might be in a different direction. But the principles remain the same:

• Panic makes everything worse - fighting the waves exhausts you

• Trust in your ability to float - you are more resilient than you know

• The waves will pass - no emotion, no matter how intense, lasts forever

• You can find your footing - even in deep grief, there's solid ground beneath you

• The ocean can be both dangerous and healing - grief holds both threat and transformation

Learning to Float

At The Naked Grief, we teach people how to float in their grief ocean. We don't promise to take away the waves - that's not possible and wouldn't be healing. Instead, we teach you:

• How to recognize when panic is making things worse than they are

• Techniques for floating through intense emotions instead of fighting them

• Ways to find your footing when you need solid ground

• How to trust in your own buoyancy and resilience

Because here's what I've learned after years of walking in grief's ocean: you are more unsinkable than you know.

The waves will come. But you don't have to drown in them. You can learn to float, to breathe, to find your footing, and to trust that the shore is never as far away as it seems in the moment of panic.

If you're struggling to find your footing in grief's ocean, you don't have to navigate these waters alone. Our RAW Experience Circle brings together grief support and spiritual realignment in one place. With access to both the Grief Wisdom Circle and Spirit Wisdom Circle, you'll work with Karen Bulinski Mathison and Melissa Bishop to find practical tools for floating through life's most difficult waves while rediscovering your spiritual center.